Okay, so it’s been over a week and my first post has elicited ZERO responses. Interesting. Perhaps my Rogers and Hammerstein allusion is lost on this younger technofile generation. Maybe they read “Do, a deer, a female deer” and thought that I am into bestiality. At the very least, I would think THAT would generate a comment or two. Isn’t that at least worthy of a “You’re sick dude,” or “Dude, that’s whack,” or “The Sound of Music blows,”?
You see, I’m new to this whole blog thing. (I know, this is already starting to sound like one of those cliched opening blog posts where some schlub babbles on about nothing before dropping some serious wisdom in the form of a whimsical anectdote about his trip to buy collard greens at the grocery store. But I’m not going there. Please bear with me.) Honestly, I don’t even like blogs. I think they’re boring. Who cares about the intimate details of some anonymous guy’s last bowel movement? “Not I,” said the little red hen.
So why write a blog? ‘Fraid you got me there. I guess I’m doing it because I want to find out more about these people who read blogs. Will this whole blogging craze go the way of the pet rock? If so, that’s a lot of bandwidth to be wasted on some serious angst.
Right before I made my first post here I had just written this passionate review of a restaurant and emailed it to my friends and a few distribution lists. People tend to enjoy when I stay up late and babble on about things of no real consequence, and this review was no different. (Maybe I will post it here someday. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll make you beg me for it.) Anyway, ironically enough, Dave Nolan responded to one list by saying, “Brian Ferdman again proving why he is the best fucking writer on the scene! Jeez – you should have a JamBlog or something – some of the only writing on the web I’veever seen that’s worth a damn…” Little did Dave know that I had started a blog only ten hours prior to his email of praise.
Ah, Dave. I don’t know that we’ve ever met.
Now I’m gonna have egg all over my face when Dave emails me saying, ” Dude, I’ve worked in the cubicle next to you for the last ten years and I was the best man at your wedding.”
Shit– I’m getting sidetracked.
So Dave doesn’t know about this here blog. None of my friends know. In fact, I’m not sure that anyone knows about this. And I think I like it that way…for now. This is sort of like an old Buddhist question or something– If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound? Well, if a blog exists but no one sees it, does it really matter? I’ll never know that someone has seen this until I receive a comment. Will you comment and put me out of my misery, or will you prolong the pain and stand silent, watching in the shadows? OR am I using reverse psychology on you because I really want no responses and wish to write in public without anyone seeing? OR do I want to control everyone by making them afraid to either comment or not comment?
What’s that? Your brain hurts?
For the hell of it, I clicked on that “NEXT BLOG” link in the upper right corner, and horror of horrors, I wound up on stuff teenager’s blog with a spectacular shrine to Jessica Simpson. I don’t think I’ll ever get to open for Jessica again, so this was a real stunner. I went back and tried clicking the “NEXT BLOG” link again and wound up on an Indonesian page. I read along, not understanding anything but pretending that the blog was recounting how I had become a national folk hero in Indonesia because of my dextrous wit on the Internet.
This got me thinking. What if some Jessica Simpson-worshipping teenager or person with poor English skills accidentally lands on my blog? They are gonna be so confused their head will explode. That’s it! My goal with this blog is to make pop-music-loving teenagers’ heads explode! I have a purpose in life!
So if you are a teenager, I apologize for my foul language, but you’re going to have to get used to it if you wanna read my writing. There will be cursing, sex, violence, mental manipulation, and maybe some drugs as the cherry on top. These are a few of my favorite things…
Oh no. The Sound of Music is becoming a recurring theme.
God help you all.