Bloggus Interruptus

Well, so far, I’ve successfully remained in a blogosphere vaccum. It’s been a month since my last post, and I have yet to receive a single comment. No one knows I’m here, and I love it.

In the meantime, whilst playing my new favorite game of hitting random blogs, I realized that blogs are essentially a medium for non-English speakers and emotionally underdeveloped teenagers. The latter is of slightly more interest to me, and I discovered this one blog by this incredibly smart kid, Kyle. Kyle is working on some huge cyberspace-like project that is far to vast for my feeble mind to comprehend. It has something to do with the world coming together, creating universal harmony and peace, developing a better tasting fat-free potato chip…blah, blah, blah. Anyway, poor Kyle’s hormones are raging, and just when he’s about to go postal over losing his bitch of a girlfriend, he suddenly discovers this rare flower that he falls head over heels for. Reminding me much of myself at his age, Kyle goes full steam ahead when he should take it slow and the girl gets scared. Then she comes back to him. Then she backs away. The back-and-forth continues, and poor Kyle’s heart is about to burst. I swear I’ve gotten hooked on this Kyle story, and the crazy thing is that I sense he’s writing this blog with the full knowledge of not only his friends but also the object of his affection. This kid is so bent out of shape that he’s letting the whole world read his diary, setting himself up for either adolation (like in a Corey Haim movie) or extreme disappointment (like in the real world).

Kyle’s blog has become my crack. I was addicted, getting the shakes and at one point, checking back every hour or so to see if his heart was beaming or broken. This is how housewives feel when they get attached to soap operas. I wanted to tune in every day to see if Bo and Hope would finally live free of the evil clutches of Stefano Demero. And then it happened. I checked back this evening to see where young Kyle’s heart was headed, and he dealt me the death blow. He erased all record of his heartbreak. He cut me off. Kyle’s blog was cancelled.

Fuck you, Kyle.

I was going to tell you that the world is full of hope and things will get better when you grow older. But you know what? You, young man, taught me that the world is hopeless and full of disappointment. If you think you have it rough now, sonny boy, wait until you’re a bitter old man (or at least you feel like one) and your entire world hinges on living vicariously through a young man half your age. I hope that chick ripped your little post-pubescent heart out of your hairless chest, threw it into a bucket of hydrochloric acid, stomped on it repeatedly with a stiletto heel, forced the pulp through a Jack Lalane juicemaster, and then fed the liquid to her evil black cat.

That’s what the world is like, you whiny little pissant.

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