I am home from work and wearing my bathrobe, perfect viewing conditions for the final TPIR. (Note: the show will be re-broadcast this evening from 8-9 E.S.T.)
11:00 AM – The crowd is going apeshit. The audience is going berserk. My favorite guy is Francisco who is wearing a Grateful Dead Bear tie-dye and looks like he is tripping his balls off.
11:03 – Denise, an extremely excitable woman who looks like she is about to burst has the honor of playing the first game, Lucky Seven, for A NEW CAR! It’s a corvette. YES! She won the fucking car on the last number. Oh, this is gonna be a great day.
11:07 – Bob recognizes Philip from the line outside. Philip has been waiting five days and now he’s on contestant’s row. Katrina Walter just got called to come on down and she’s crying. A Barker’s Beauty is showing off an expensive necklace, but I can’t bring myself to look up that high. I’m bidding on the silicone.
11:09 – Bob says, “You can expect this audience to explode when Rich says…You’re playing PLINKO!” FUCK YEAH! Plinko never comes this early. Oh, a wonderful day is upon us.
11:11 – She’s got 5 chips…$500…so close and a zero…another $500…another zero…$500…What a friggin disappointment. I don’t know if I can go on with this. This was the moment I was really looking forward to today, and now I’m crushed. I feel very sorry for Katrina, who was wearing the Plinko Princess t-shirt but never got to play. She could have done a better job.
11:16 – Francisco, the tripping Deadhead, is up to play The Range Game for a new Ski Boat. It’s a tough game. I don’t like his chances. He’s gonna be distracted by the colors.
11:17 – Everyone is screaming at him to stop it, and…HE DOES IT JUST IN TIME! He won the boat. This guy is jumping around like a monkey. Fantastic.
11:20 – Promotional consideration has been paid for by Beano. Beano, making your farts silent and scent-free for years.
11:21 – It’s a young crop of wheel spinners here. Kristen gets 85 cents on two spins. I like her odds.
11:22 – Francisco is totally distracted by the spinning wheel. He doesn’t get enough on two spins, and he’s totally disoriented, walking in circles before being escorted off stage. I’ll miss him.
11:23 – Denise gets 85 cents, and we have a playoff, folks!
11:24 – Denise GETS A MOTHERFUCKING DOLLAR ON THE PLAYOFF– SHE JUST WON A GRAND!
11:25 – No dice on the bonus spin, but I am still floating on Cloud 9.
11:26 – Dean Lindstrom, a big dude, gets called from the back and then takes a massive faceplant in the aisle. He recovers to run down to Contestant’s Row and announce, “I”m a big guy!”
Yeah, we noticed.
11:27 – Dean has the best bid, and we learn he’s Canadian. Bob talks about how TPIR has always been popular in Canada. Dean’s up for a new car, playing Double Prices. Bob is teasing us by not revealing the price and asking questions. Oh, Bob, stop fiddling aboot and get on with it.
11:28 – DEAN WINS THE CAR! Incredible. This is an amazing day so far.
11:29 – My roommate reminds me that the Palestinian government was dissolved yesterday. I remind her that TPIR played Plinko today. I need to take a break to make a foie gras and truffle sandwich with a side of caviar.
11:31 – Melva, who has an enormously long pony-tail, wins the bidding on the motorcycle. She is a crying spaz who is trying to molest Bob. She cannot stop shrieking. If I kick my television will she shut up?
11:34 – Melva craps out on the Grocery Game, which kinda surprised me because I didn’t think she’d stop shrieking long enough to formulate a single word. After she loses, she thanks Bob and says, “This has been my lifelong dream to be on your show.”
Aim high, Melva. Aim high.
11:37 – Rich calls down a guy named Elijah. Now if he ran in with long white hair, holding a cup of Manischewitz, I’d shit myself. Instead, he’s just an overenthusiastic frat-boy. I wonder if he’ll win the bidding on a pair of Dave Matthews tickets?
11:38 – Philip is the winner, and he’s playing for…A NEW CAR! CBS is gonna be bankrupt by the end of this show.
11:39 – Any Number is the game. It’s a car vs. board games vs. the piggy bank. Philip is doing well with only one number left in the price of the car…
11:40 – Philip guesses 3…and it’s wrong. Wah-wah-wah-waaaaaahhhh. He won the shitty piggy bank. This sucks.
11:43 – Showcase Showdown time– for the last time ever with Bob’s steady hand. Philip gets 55 cents, and wisely decides to press his luck, hitting 25 cents for 80 cents total.
11:44 – Melva nearly dies in two spins of the wheel. Both times she nearly hits her head on the spinning wheel. She only hits 70 cents and escapes unscathed. Dean, the big guy with the propensity for falling down, gives the wheel one massive fucking spin. Bob suggests we take a commercial break as we wait. He takes a second massive spin and says hi to some folks in B.C. (I hope he thanked his grower.) Bob suggests he had time to say hi to everyone he knows. At times like these, I always wanted to see the wheel come flying off its axis, crashing into the audience and mowing down some Californians.
Unfortunately, that does not happen. Philip is the winner.
11:45 – Ah, a pet medicine commercial from Betty White. Love those Golden Girls.
11:49 – The Final Showcase with Bob
Showcase #1 is based on a “Saint” theme, including a Saint Martin vacation, and St. Patrick’s Day vacation to Ireland, and “your friends will think you’re a saint if you take the kids to soccer practice in a new Lincoln Navigator!” It’s a giant showcase, and Denise, who notes she has already won a car, shockingly passes to Philip, who bids $61,000.
11:51 – Showcase #2 is all about waiting in the dentist’s office WTF, right? The one Barker’s Beauty remembers she left her new Electric Grill on. The second silicone wonder remembers she’s supposed to be on a Mediterranean cruise. The third hottie remembers she has a coupon for a car wash for…her new Cadillac Convertible! This would be a nice pair of cars for Denise, who has already won a Corvette. She bids $84,823. I think that bid is higher than I ever was while watching this show in college.
Commercial Break. Tension mounts…
11:55 – Actual retail price for Denise’s showcase is 90-something. Philip is under by 7 grand or so. Denise wins by about 2 grand. Denise wins more than $140,000 in prizes! Incredible. Enjoy paying those taxes, Denise!
11:56 – Bob gives the final sign-off. It’s not quite as emotionally cathartic as I had expected. He’s straightforward and thanks everyone for welcoming him into their homes for the last 50 years. (Thank you, Bob. I don’t think I’ll ever call in sick from work again. What would I do?) He closes like he always does, advising us to help control the pet population and have our pets spayed and neutered.
And with that, I hear a stray in my backyard. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go cutoff that cat’s balls.