Is anyone interested in going to Oktoberfest at the Beer Garden at Bohemian Hall in Astoria?
Because this is Queens, i.e. the land of no common sense, Oktoberfest is held in September, more specifically, Saturday, September 27th at noon.
I’ve gone the past two years, and I’ve gotten quite intoxicated each time. It happens.
There’s a $10 cover charge, and I would strongly suggest arriving at 11AM (it opens at noon), as a line will form to get inside. It’s vital to be there early to not only grab a table but also to get those coveted pitchers. If I remember correctly (and considering how much I drank, that’s debatable), the pitchers of Czech, German, and Belgian beer were rather affordable. It’s also important to get there early so that you’re tired of drinking and want to leave before the fratboys in plastic lederhosen take over the joint.
The Beer Garden gets so crowded these days that Oktoberfest seems to be my only annual appearance there. If you’re ever going to visit it, it’s probably the day to go because not only does everyone get smashed, but there are also oom-pah bands…and lasers…okay, maybe not lasers…but there will be people drunkenly dancing, which is just like lasers…except that it’s not.
In any case, they limit the number of people they allow inside, so it doesn’t get too crowded and the beer lines are manageable. Last year, they served roasted pig and kielbasa with dumplings. For vegetarians, I think they had something exciting like potatoes. Don’t look at me, chief. I didn’t create the cuisine of Eastern Europe. If you want something green, they might have rotten potatoes. Are you enticed yet?
Anyway, here’s the tentative plan:
11:00AM – Arrive at Beer Garden and get in line. If coming from foreign boroughs, be sure to avoid arriving fashionably late and pissing off your friends who have waited all day long.
11:01AM – People from foreign boroughs complain about their commute, exaggerating how long it took them to get there on the train, bitching about having to travel “all the way to Queens.”
11:02AM – People from Queens seethe internally towards Brian for inviting narcissists from Manhattan and Brooklyn.
11:08AM – Someone has to pee.
11:25AM – Someone is late driving in from Brooklyn and calls to complain about how confusing the streets of Queens are, despite the fact that Astoria is arranged with far more common sense than hallowed Park Slope.
11:40AM – To break up the mundane routine of waiting, Brian tells an inappropriate story that he thinks is hilarious.
11:41AM – Awkward silence.
11:59AM – Someone who believes Manhattan is the center of the universe arrives, bitching about the trains, even though everyone knows that she/he just woke up and got on a train 25 minutes ago.
12:01PM – Our large group secures a table.
12:02PM – We begin drinking pitchers of Hoegaarden, Spaten, Pilsner Urquell, etc.
12:03PM – Nicky Ray spills beer on someone.
12:59PM – Brian inspects roasted pig on a spit, declares it to be inferior, but states, “I will eat it anyway.”
1:10PM – The first band ends, and a bus load of tourists from Texas leaves. Everyone is puzzled as to why/how they got here.
1:11PM – As the Texan bus pulls away, a hipster slaps an “Obama For Change” sticker on it. Victory is declared.
1:15PM – Fox News reports that crazed Obama fanatics are vandalizing vehicles of McCain supporters across America.
1:16PM – The McCain campaign declares the hipster’s actions to be sexist and an obvious example that Obama wants to raise taxes on the middle class and teach Kindergarteners to have sex.
1:17PM – Republicans everywhere chant “Drill, baby, drill!” for no apparent reason.
1:30PM – Food is consumed.
1:45PM – Beer is consumed at a much faster pace.
2:30PM – Several individuals in our party are tempted to get up and dance the polka.
2:35PM – Several individuals in our party realize that their motor-skills have declined significantly.
2:40PM – After watching the first dancers fall down, several individuals in our party feel relieved that they decided to sit this one out.
2:50PM – Dancers start dropping like flies; torn MCLs are arriving like presents on Christmas.
3:00PM – J-R pukes under table then brags about how he will run a marathon tomorrow in record time.
3:15PM – Fratboys arrive and begin applying plastic lederhosen.
3:25PM – Our party has seen enough.
3:30PM – We stagger out in a zig-zag motion, singing theme songs to 1970s television shows in harmonic chord structures that have yet to be invented.
3:40PM – Someone reminds Gerrard that he’s not allowed to walk around on the streets of Astoria in the daytime without pants.
3:42PM – Brian attempts to tear down No Parking sign.
3:43PM – Brian gives up, realizing that not only is he no longer in college, but he is also no longer strong enough to pull said sign out of the ground.
3:44PM – Brian weeps inside.
4:00PM – We arrive at a festive Greek restaurant in Astoria, perhaps Zenon Taverna or any other place that is willing to accommodate a phalanx of drunken people.
5:30PM – To the relief of the restaurant staff, we leave without breaking any more than 9 plates and 7 glasses.
5:48PM – Brian falls asleep on couch, waking up in puddle of drool hours later.